I went to a Horse Trial yesterday to coach a friend. She didn't have a very good day, but stuck it out and managed to have some fun anyway. It was a very low level event, lots of green horses acting like green horses. Hot, dry, long day.
For the first time since Scotty died I found myself looking around and wishing I was on a horse. I didn't even care if I was having a bad day, I just wanted to be on a horse. I have been going to shows with friends, coaching at shows and keeping up with friends' show schedules and this is the first time in a long time that I was not happy to just watch. I wanted to be in there.
So I did a little navel gazing today while I was mowing the grass and hacking down the bind weed in the corner of the yard. And I decided that I had it in the back of my mind that Scotty was going to be the last horse that I competed on. I am not young, my knees are shot, I don't bounce well and I can be really chicken at a really bad time while riding down to a jump.
I think I had programmed myself to just give it up when I lost him. Maybe that's why I have not really been pushing Nina or myself; no goals, didn't much care. Owning her and taking care of her filled the horse gap in my life and I had just quit thinking about anything else.
Well, Nina, I have news for you. Serious training starts now!
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